A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Randomize
