i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
