i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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