the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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