he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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