Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
