we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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