Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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