I accidentally burped into my bong.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
