3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
