All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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