I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My liver just had a heart attack.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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