dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
