Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have post one night stand depression
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