Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
