Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
