So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize