Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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