Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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