I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
