After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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