I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
