I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
