i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
