i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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