Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
