Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
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