The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
