I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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