honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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