Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
