Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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