my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You need a sexual gate keeper
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
