Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
