You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
