I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize