It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize