watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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