Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
