He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
