he shaved USA in his pubs
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
