dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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