Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
