my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
