The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
