I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
