We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
we should paint friendship bongs
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