Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my phone needs a breathalizer
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
