those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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