New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
