I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
