mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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