i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
