my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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