oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
either way he was missing a nipple.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
