Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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