How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
