Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
