god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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