I like to think it a success when the cops are called
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize