just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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